Stories! We all have stories we can tell about our lives. Some are beautiful like an intricately woven silk tapistry, others are so horrific that we’d rather never reveal them to anyone. Our most significant personal tales come from our growing up in our families, for it is there that we first learn about who we are and what we are about, what the world is like and what kind of relationships we are “destined” or “scripted” to attract. Ugh!

Not all our dreams are dashed, nor all traumas unresolved, but our family stores tell more about us, no matter what our age is now, than we sometimes may wish to admit. I’ll come back to how this relates to our sexuality and to the “vibes” we are sending out.

It’s a scientific ‘given’ that we are energy. Physics has long ago revealed this. By various names – chi, prana, ki – is energy embodied! We generate and channel our energy by the way we live as embodied beings. Bring this to the level of our affect (our human emotions), and it is clear that, when our body experiences blockages (negative emotions) to the natural flow of energy, we get stuck, cramped, and debilitated, physically and emotionally.

I equate our life energy with our sexual energy. Our sexual energy connects us with, aligns us with, all sentient beings. What differentiates our life energy, our sexual energy, other animals is our intellience, but specifically our ability to make intentions, to become self-aware, to use our energy for our maximum benefit serving our best interests, and therefore, the best interests of others.

When we are self-aware, we create our lives in healthy, satisfying, fulfilling ways, all of which get lived out within a social context, in relationship with others. That’s where the rub of the dance occurs! In relationship with others as well as with ourselves.

How self-aware we are will make or break our relationships. We will either drown in fear and/or shame, seek excitement without joy, arousal without long-lasting satisfaction, disgust and despair or a combination of enjoyment and excitement. We experience a mix of all of these affects (enjoyment, excitement, fear, shame) at various levels and in various periods in our lives. Flowing in this energy is the natural way of being for us humans. It is in energetic relationships with ourselves and others that we discover what is happening within us (beliefs, feelings, self-assessments, judgments, dreams, fantasies). We can direct our energy in ways that meet our interests or circumvent them.

We are energy → emotions/affects → beliefs about ourselves/relationships/world =
our ways of living.

Chakras
Our energy dances back and forth from our root to our heart, from our head to our root, to our sacral, to our head, to our heart…. The twists and turns go on and on, recycling, and resolving, opening up, and developing who we are inside, and obviously, who we are outside (relationships).  If our voice chakra is closed, we find it difficult to ask for what is wanted or needed, and difficult if not impossible to speak out truth. If our heart chakra is closed or only partially open, we may find ourselves numb to receiving or giving love freely. If our solar plexus chakra (power) is shut down with shame and fear, we will struggle with identifying healthy boundaries, being assertive, and relating as an equal to others.

Breathing generates and channels our energy, affects/emotions, thoughts.
When our breathing is shallow (only in our chests), we are not allowing the easy flow of our energy. When our beliefs about ourselves become rigid and locked in, there is a consequent block to our energy. When we have experienced a trauma experience, our energy system becomes locked and constricted as well. All these result in a dis-connected mode where our energy is not flowing freely. We may often feel disconnected from our own power, sensuality, sexuality.

There have been a myriad number of individuals who have discovered ways to activate, re-activate, direct, and heal the energy flow of our bodies. Wilhelm Reich (orgasmic energy), Eugene Gendlin (Focusing Meditation), Peter A. Levine (Trauma), Gary Craig (Emotional Freedom Technique), and body-centered methods such as yoga and neurofeedback. A host of others have given us methods to energize and re-connect with the energy of our bodies.

When we are living mindfully within our bodies, we can access, not simply our memories, but also new ways of relating to ourselves and others. We become more re-sponsive (re-sponsible) to the options we have before us, options we have not been previously conscious of. What we discover is that with self-awareness comes personal growth. When I become aware of the inner workings of my body and mind, I discover insights, strength, courage, release, and ways of creating for myself a fully embodied life. The benefits range from a healthy, active sex life, to a humility based on awareness of my limitations and my ability to draw upon my inner strengths and skills. My choices become more grounded in and flow from who I am at the core! As a result I can live more authentically.

I can pursue a life of ‘excitement’ with its never ending cycle of new experiences. I can choose a life driven by fear and/or shame and remain stuck in the morass of self-pity and resentments. Or, I can pursue a life of enjoyment, seek out others who want the same in their lives, take risks and overcome challenges safely which enable me to attain a deeper appreciation of who I am.

Where does this lead me personally? For years I have wondered what it is that gives me joy. Joseph Campbell stated “Follow your bliss”. I wondered what my “bliss” was that I was to follow. For the first time in my life I feel most fully aligned with who I am and what I do. I will be 65 years of age in April. Damn, it’s taken me a long time to get here! But, then, I look back at my life and see the common thread in all the systems, careers, ways of living I’ve sought out and followed.

That common thread for me is “imagination”. What is yours? It has taken me this long because I have followed the paths that have led me here, and my imagination has been there at every step of the way! And, in each stage of my life I have been drawn to others and to new ways of using my imagination. Yes, there was no circumventing this path. I believe I had to go through what I went through to get me to the moment when I can say: “I’m following my bliss now.” Or, as the singer Aaron Neville once sang: “I am who I am today because of where I’ve been.”

In the adult years I sought out the grounding and centering of my ego! I did what I thought I needed to do to climb the ladder of ‘success’, but each time I worked my way up, I stumbled and fell. I didn’t meet my external chosen goal. Actually, I now know I sabotaged myself. I knew internally that this path I was taking was not mine! What should have given me the major clue was my drinking to numb the misery I was experiencing. It took a major slap to bring me to my “senses” and ask for help. But, even in sobriety, I continued to follow a path that I thought I was meant to engage. I did that and it was most helpful, but it still wasn’t ME. Then, another fall, figuratively speaking, and I was down on my ass again. This time, I followed my inner voice! I followed what some would say were my spirit guides. Whatever you want to name that inner voice, I followed it and it led me to a ‘match’.

Now, I continue on this path, exploring energy, meeting like-spirited men and women, reading and learning about the various ways that can help me and other men to live authentic, emotionally available, and sexually vibrant lives. There are no straight lines in nature. We are part of nature. There are no straight lines in our lives.

It is incumbent upon us, you and me, to listen to what the voices within us have to say. Not the negative, energy draining voicces, but those voices that uplift us and guide us toward our “bliss”, our authenticity, our integrity. Whatever it is we may be facing in our lives in relationships, we can be true to ourselves. Not only can we, but we must explore our sexual energy in ways that resonates in our core, safely and sanely, and hold no debilitating shame or fear in doing so. We do not have to follow the stereotypical ways of being men, whether we are gay, straight, bisexual, or trans! We can create our own identity based on our own core values, not those of others; but rather on our own desire to be whole and true to ourselves. We will come to know others who are on a similar path and draw inspiration from them, engage in a sacred comaraderie with them. In them we will find our “brothers”. And, we will discover peace of mind, a flowing of our energy, a respect for ourselves, and the strength to live in our bliss.

Now back to our family life. It is within our familiar environment that we become mapped, sexually as well as emotionally. From the moment we’re born to the moment when we have our first orgasm, from those preverbal days to when we start to identify what emotions are happening within us by name and start to plan how we want to resolve any mishaps and move forward in our lives. It is only in articulating our family stories that we come to see and acknowledge those belief patterns that have been running or directing our lives. It is in telling our stories in detail, being specific, that we come to realize beliefs we want to shed and which beliefs resonate with our core energy as authentically ours. It’s then, if we have the courage aka balls, that we delve deeply into our bodies and listen.

What a fabric we can then unravel! What a fabric we can design anew! But, it does take courage to step out into the light and tell those stories. It takes someone else with us who can witness our revelations and hold that space as safe and sacred for us as we do so. It takes trust and a willingnes, giving ourselves permission to ‘speak our truth’, to become vulnerable enough to reveal the details and share with that other how and why we want to create anew our belief patterns. It is in this particular moment that we are welcomed, recognized, heard, and accepted for simply who we are – first and foremost by ourselves! Wow! What a life worth living!

www.transitionpower.com

Tho’ single this night,
when fantasies sword play with realities,
when men couple and bond, connect and stick in unison
with beau and lover, partner and stranger, companion in body or only in mind,
it is with admiration I relish the men in my life.

Singularly unique and separate, cherished for who you are and want to be,
dynamic and sensual in each your own sway, furry and smooth, limber and puffing,
moaning and groaning, blushing and welting, yet cherished for who is you and will become.

It’s neither this nor that, but or yet, likewise or any string of whatifs and thats.
It’s what it is between us and may become,
an adventure of unfolding, mirror gazing, swapping, and enjoying what is.

This one thing known clearly, and bluntly stated, I am not single,
but coupled and trifolded, and foursquared to a two step with each,
to the beat of the drums we hear, to the salsa and so sassy, to the rumbha and randy,
to a different dance and sound, to a tune that you and I hear alone and between,
from the outside in, and inside out.

Who knows what matter may erupt as dry or humorous, as wet or sad, as yawning or howling,
it matters now to the two or three who companion on this path,
into darkness, into light, into dewiness, into desert sands,
the path we share is the path of now.
Who dares say I am single, let alone alone.

For it is alone who we are, mindful of any illusion of connectedness,
bonding or sweaty partnering,
mindful of the depth of reality between two and three and whatnot number it may be.

Whether on hunt or shyly seeking, entering cave or flat, on table or bed, in lips to lips, frottage, or a coital coupling, or hug belly to belly, in tears or laughter, it is each his own alone he brings to us.

Tho’ single this night, I be not alone or mismatched or in a higher realm,
but here and now with men2men friends.
Who dare question what might become as dawn returns and day resumes,
for no straight line is for us,
wiggle and flowing,
twisted and turning,
we stand alone and together this night of Valentine embrace.

Hypervigilance (being “on guard at all times”)
Hyperactivity
Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
Shame and lack of self-worth
Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
Panic attacks, anxiety, phobias
Avoidance behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc)
Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
Fear of dying or having a shortened life
Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)
Excessive shyness
Inability to make emotional commitments
Depression and feelings of impending doom

The above are some of the major symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Not everyone who experiences these symptoms has PTSD, but holding stress chronically within our bodies can produce such symptoms. Each symptom can be indicative of stress and not necessarily indiciative of PTSD. A combination of these symptoms, however, is a recipe for dis-ease in our lives.

Given the atmosphere in which many gay men have been raised, it is no surprise that we may demonstrate such symptoms. In our youth gay men often ‘hide’ for a number of years before “coming out”, fearful of being “found out”, fear of being harmed by ridicule, rejection, abandonment, and bullying. We often have learned to be “hypervigilant” about our surroundings, people’s responses and reactions to us, and what we say or do that may reveal our sexual orientation. Given the fact that many gay children are the objects of bullying by peers and authority figures, it is no wonder that we may become hypervigilant and subject to mood swings or find ourselves excessively shy or excessively active (“the perfect boy” in academics and/or sports), bordering on hyperactivity. Many of us have used avoidance behaviors as a way to protect ourselves, e.g. use of alcohol and other drugs, indiscriminant sex. How many of us have not experienced chronic depression, and considered the possiblity of suicide?

We may take everything that is said to us as potential fodder for humilitation and rejection. We may become anxious and fearful around establishing emotional bonds with other men because of a fear of rejection. We may become excessively shy, avoid making emotional commitments, become hyper sexual. We may also become numb to sex entirely, and not just numb to our bodily sensations in general. We can become “rigid’ in holding our emotions, our bodies, our beliefs, and our attitudes toward others. Lastly, we may be so “stressed out” by shame, armoring ourselves, and come to believe that “the best defense is a good offense.” Hence, sarcasm and ‘bitchiness’. We may fear commitment so much that we shy away from anyone who says “I love you” or become super efficient as “care takers” resulting in being abused and used by others, taken advantaged of, and subsquently “dumped”.

Or, we become “gym rats” and hyper “straight-acting”, armoring our bodies and minds as much as we can to deflect anyone getting emotionally close to us. We create the illusion of machismo. We become hyper about being seen as vulnerable in any way, shape, or form. Why? Because we have been taught that to be vulnerable is to open ourselves to harm and perhaps death. Some, if not many of us, change who we are so that we are found acceptable, either to other gay men or to the straight world. We may seek to prove our worth by climbing the corporate ladder, find the most desireable man as a boyfriend or partner, accrue money and prestige. We fundamentally experience ourselves as unloveable for simply who we are. We find ourselves having to give proof of our worthiness to exist.

Is it any surprise that many gay men face such symptoms, or that it is a struggle not to get stuck in them? Finding safety to explore these layered issues can be difficult, even within a therapist’s office, let alone in one’s family of origin, or even within the so-called “gay community” where intolerance for anyone different from the majority is common.

How can a man resolve these ‘symptoms’, these patterns that have become so ingrained in me? How do I address them effectively and shed them?

We can engage in a variety of methods by using such approaches as those suggested by Peter A. Levine (expert on trauma), Co-Counseling techniques and theory, Hypnotherapy and NeuroLinguistic Programming, Zen Meditation, and Tantra bodywork. A man can “discharge” or “release” emotional armoring effectively and thoroughly, and experience his natural self, using such methods or a combination of them. “Body sensations, rather than intense emotion, are the key to healing trauma.” (Peter A. Levin, Healing Trauma, pg 38) Providing a safe environment to allow for bodily discharge and release is essential, thus reclaiming my birthright to live fully in my body.

Trauma and stress are cellular based. That is to say that trauma and stress are held within our bodies. Safety is provided best in the presence of another person. The presence of a competent other allows us to feel safe so that we may better give ourselves permission to make this ‘inner journey’ into the unknown within our bodies, and become free of the trauma or stress, becoming more fully ‘self-aware’.

Safety is about setting boundaries. This is how Peter A. Levin states it so succinctly and clearly:

“Before trauma, you are not overwhelmed by your feelings. After trauma,
feelings can be completely overwhelming.

“When you have been traumatized, you’re often unable to feel your own
physical boundaries, because of disconnection from your body. This can
have an impact in other areas of life, such as setting boundaries in relationships,
because it’s impossible to set limits if you have no sense of your own boundaries.
Rebuilding connection is really the key…because trauma is about loss of
connection, first to the body and self, and second to others and the environment.

“The body is the container of all of our sensation and feelings. It is also the
boundary separating us from our environment and from others. This boundary
gets ruptured in trauma so that we often feel raw and unprotected. Skin is our
first line of defense. Then our muscles give us the sense of an ego-boundary
between self and other.”

It is that “rupture” that needs to be repaired and healed so that a person can feel safe and more intact, more whole, alive, and in charge of his life.

Following certain exercises that Levine has gleaned and created from zen and other sources, such as Eugene Gendlin’s body-centered “felt sense” approach, can enable a man to reclaim his life holistically. The techniques include breathwork, self-touch, grounding and centering, using sounds such as ‘vum’ and ‘ah’, dialogue around beliefs, the safe touch by one’s self and eventually by another, and gaining a greater depth of self-awareness. The discharge and release comes when the body shudders, gives its own voice to the release (use of our vocal cords), even uninterrupted yawning, laughter, or crying. Building up personal resiliency is the result, gaining self-awareness and self-worth, developing the skills to set healthy (pliable and assertive) physical and emotional boundaries.

It is this approach that I take in my coaching with men, particularly with men who identify having experienced trauma in their lives. It is the same approach I use with many men who identify an inability to connect deeply with themselves sexually. Our society in which we live is stress inducing, sex-negative, and highly judgmental about masculinity and maleness. Often the way men respond to such a layered bombardment is to armor ourselves against it. However, in armoring ourselves, we simply suppress all that is natural to us, and that certainly is not healthy. It produces dis-ease rather than ease in living authentically.

Often we are ready to pursue such a freeing life when we enter the middle stage of adulthood, around 40 or older. Till then we simply lack the expereince, the ego strength, the willingness to set our own course in life rather than follow the dictates of others or society. It is this time in life that is such a stupendous opportunity to live in self-love and freedom simply “to be me.”

There are a great variety of fetishes among men and many take the form of some bdsm activity. Underlying the activity is an attitude, both on the part of the giver and the receiver,but always on the part of both, for each is giving and receiving from the other in some definite way(s).

From my experience of reading through slews of profiles on various fetish, kink, and bdsm sites the majority of men focus upon sex, specifically orgasmic sex, and ultimately on ejaculation. Many profiles suggest something more than simply the desire for sex, and some indicate clearly that ejaculating is not the primary goal for “meeting up” but rather for the “power exchange”, e.g. degradation, humiliation, being forced to submit, mummification, pain. There are a few that hint at, not just submission, but surrender, namely physically submitting and emotionally surrendering to the Dominant.

Besides the obvious element of divesting myself of ‘control’ as a submissive, and submit to the control of the Dominant, there can also be the element, perhaps more importantly, of being vulnerable, and if taken further for some, of being emotionally vulnerable. When, I suspect, this element of emotional vulnerability is a major part of the “scene”, then this opens the gateway to self-knowledge, personal transformation, self-discovery. I’m not sure if there are many or few men who want to enter into such a “scene”, for it would take a men, a Dom and a sub, who had a strong enough ego to know what their limits are with a willigness and counrage to ‘guide’ and be ‘guided’ and engaged beyond them.

There is a great deal of bowing to the issue of “safety”, but most often in terms of using a “safe word” by the submissive. The “safe word” can be anything that is agreed upon by the Dom and sub. The issue of trust is dependent on respecting the use of “safe words”, namely honoring them when they are used as opposed to ignoring them. If I do not respect and honor your use of a “safe word”, then we will not be engaging in any “scene” again, and someone might be seriously injured, and not necessarily the sub being the one injured.

It seems to me that too many men find themselves in situations, or place themselves in situations, where there is no “intention” of learning about ourselves, but simply getting our rocks off, getting our adrenaline flowing and sparking, and feeling totally energetically depleted afterward. There is no spoken or conscious “intention” to learn about themselves in order to live a fuller and more enjoyable life.

It is similar, I think, to lusting after a man as opposed to loving a man, or using sex thinking that I will feel emotionally satisfied, not just sexually relieved.

The famous and infamous mythologist, Joseph Campbell, spoke directly to leading a life that integrates what is natural for a man and what lies within his spirit. Speaking about the myth of “The Holy Grail”, he focuses upon the need within us to lead authentic lives.

Finding the Grail is finding the depth of your own authenticity, “that which is attained and realized by people who have lived their own lives. The Grail represents the fulfillment of the highest spiritual potentialities of the human consciousness.”

“The Grail King, for example, was a lovely young man, but he had not earned the position of Grail King. He rode forth from his castle wih the war cry: ‘Amor!’ (Love!) Well, that’s proper for youth, but it doesn’t belong to the guardianship of the Grail. And as he is riding forth, a Muslim, a pagan knight, comes out of the woods. They both level their lances at each other, and they drive at each other. The lance of the Grail King kills the pagan, but the pagan’s lance castrates the Grail King.

“What that means is that the Christian separation of matter and spirit, of the dynamism of life and the realm of the spirit, of natural grace and supernatural grace, has really castrated nature. And the European mind, the European life, has been, as it were, emasculated by this separation. The true spirituality, which would have come from the union of matter and spirit, has been killed. And then what did the pagan represent? He was a person from the suburbs of Eden. He was regarded as a nature man, and on the head of his lance was written the word ‘Grail.’ That is to say, nature intends the Grail. Spiritual life is the bouquet, the perfume, the flowering and fulfillment of a human life, not a supernatural virtue imposed upon it. And so the impulses of nature are what give authenticity to life, not the rules coming from a supernatural authority – that’s the sense of the Grail.

“The Grail becomes symbolic of an authentic life that is lived in terms of its own volition, in terms of its own impulse system, that carries itself between the pairs of opposites of good and evil, light and dark.”

Campbell goes on to elaborate by simply stating that it is in compassion that we find the Grail, the life of authenticity, “suffering with”. (The Power of Myth)

In using bdsm as a pathway toward adulthood and authenticity, the Dom and sub gaze into each other’s eyes and enter into the realm of the Grail, the dynamic interplay between pain and pleasure, “suffering with”, into a realm of tapping into our authenticity as men. A “scene” can be designed to heal wounds, banish old ways of self-imposed regulations, generate a new form of courage (“balls”) that will create new belief patterns about ourselves and others and our world, and so on. Unlike simply fucking, pounding another man’s ass hole, and ‘getting off’, this kind of entrance into bdsm is a ‘sacred’ journey in pursuit of what is authentically me, not the trappings of any leather organization or societal standards.

How does this resonate with you? Have you ever entered into bdsm as through a ‘looking glass’ or ‘a warrior’s adventure’ into self-discovery? If so, what was and is it like for you in living as a sexually alive man?

Click on this word website.

In my personal life as well as in my experiences with men it strikes me that many of us, if not most of us men, go through a crisis of self-esteem. Whether it is sourced in our childhood of being brutalized by parents or other authority figures or childhood peers, we come face to face inevitably with ourselves and wonder why we feel unlovable.

We know we are capable of loving, although some of us seriously question our ability at times. We come to a moment in our lives of choicing between allowing ourselves the continued bewilderment of not being loved for who we are and giving ourselves permission to love ourselves … for who we were, are, and are becoming or wish to be. It is in that final choice of giving ourselves permission that makes all the difference in the world between living in authenticity and simply fitting someone else’s mold.

I can see the fear written on the face of others when I tell them how attractive they look, how engaging their personality is, how I’m at a quandry why they are single. There have even been men who told me that they fear such affirmations. They don’t trust them. There is even a glint of fear in my own eyes when I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself. If it fear or is it shame? Is it that I feel like a fraud for I know all my dark, dirty little secrets of not measuring up to the standards I set for myself or that others have set for me? Or is it that I have had too many experiences of people telling me of their undying love for me only to have them disappear, either subtly or with bombastic rejection?

But given that the response to these question is probably “yes” to all of them, I recognize that the sum of my parts is greater than the individual pieces, and at times there is true alignment with them all, whereas other times I’m split into gigsaw puzzle pieces, to be tweaked, sculpted into a new whole…over and over during the various stages of my checkered life.

What I have come to believe with a solidity beyond doubt is that I love myself. Just how deeply do I love myself? And can I sustain this love in nurturing ways that will bring forth a beautifully sensual man who oozes self-love that attracts the self-love of others? These are questions that perhaps have affirmative replies if and ony if I remind myself to nurture that self-love in ways that will bear fruit.

In my musing around the belly of male sexuality, it has occurred to me that many a man does not love himself in ways that will bring forth the core beauty of himself. For the fear we hold of recrimination and rejection is way too strong and intimidating to be so vulnerable. Whateve color and ethnicity into which we were born and raised, the issues remain the same with regard to self-esteem. Do I love myself well enough, consistently enough, to live an authentic life, no matter what the consequences, even with the prospect of living my life alone, namely unpartnered in the ‘traditional’ sense of being in a single loving relationship with another man. Is it sufficient for me to have loving friends, which means loyal friends?

This is no new question for either hetero or homo, or bisexual men! We seek monogamony as if it were instinctual and the key to being ‘whole’, ‘complete’, when in fact monogamony has rarely worked well, like celibacy, for any man. There are two issues here for me. One is that any relationship will not make me whole. I can only do that for myself with the support and affirming love of otheres. The second issue is that monogamy is not the ideal for most men, though we are trained from childhood into adulthood that it is the only ‘true’ way of demonstrating our love for another. This has been so inculcated within us that, when we do encounter an ‘open relationship’ or finding out that our partner has an an ‘affair’, we take it personally and make judgments that are groundless. We do not have to judge the quality of our love for another on whether or not they are monogamouse with us. We may want to set health standards in place, agreements about trust and communication, but we do not have to set sex as the standard to live by or live up to.

If two people are committed to one another, trust one another, ‘work’ on nurturing that mutual love as independent individuals, then having some or all of our sexual needs fulfilled outside of a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that I love my partner less or not enough. We equate sex with intimacy, and that is so much an illusion.

Happiness is not to be found in sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is simply one among a hundred ways of expressing different forms of love and commitment. If sexual pleasure is lacking in our relationship, it does not equate that there is no satisfying and sensual love there. Happiness is to be found in being vulnerable and finding acceptance in our vulnerability with another, whether we fuck each other or not.

The issue, I believe, is that when two men no longer have sex with each other, it too oftens seems to be the result of the lack of an emotional bond between the two. The relationship has deteriorated into routine rather than being nourished with sensual reciprocity, undivided attention when together. It has deteriorated into chit chat, facts, and exterior living. It is not from the inside out.

Living enmeshed with nother is no free life at all. We lose our identity in each other. Too many men seem to ‘nest’ and drift away from friends, outside activities that engage us, and we wind up in relationships that become ‘soulless’ and simply pro-forma, rather than ever changing and nourishing relationships. How many men in relationships for 10, 15, 25 years find themselves adrift if their partner leaves them or dies? They are lost because there has not been ‘diversity’ in their relationships. There have not been continual methods of self-nourishment as individuals to sustain them in crsis, such as separation or death. They have yet to learn how to stand on their own two feet in love with themselves. Each man allowing the other to blossom and supporting each other in that ever dynamic adventure of self-realization.

Each and everyone of us needs to be seen, heard, recognized, affirmed for our uniqueness as well as potential. It’s high time we set ourselves on a path that will affirm our common bonds, but will simultaneously affirm us in being true to ourselves, our passions, our hopes, and our ability to love ourselves!

These are my personal musings. What are yours?

Breathing

It is in our breathing that we, not only are able to live, but to live fully. From our teenage years men are trained to breathe shallowly. Push out your chest, shoulders back, stomach in…form those six pack abs and be a man. So, we breathe into our chests and live a rigid life. If we follow our the way of breathing naturally, we breathe into our stomachs, not holding the belly in, but letting it fill up with air so that our lungs receive a fullness of oxygen. If we breathe this way daily and routinely, as we had as an infant, we become ever more aware and able to interact with our environment. Breathing in this way we become vulnerable to our emotions. We become able to sense our emotions and allow them to rise up and be expressed with confidence.

Giving Voice

When we do sense our emotions, which we more often than not were not allow to express in our teenage years, then we have a choice to either express them or continue to hide them. If we decide to express them outloud we will hear ourselves more fully, be able to express ourselves with clarity and strength, be able to listen to ourselves and do the corrections or adaptations we need to have our needs met in alignment with who we are.

Too many men remain silent. We fear expressing our pleasures, our needs, our wants, our desires. We attempt to adopt the ‘John Wayne’ posture of manhood which is a very disillusioned version of what it means to be a man, let alone of what it means to be a human being. For example, how many men remain rigidly silent during orgasm? How many men have never heard themselves really enjoy the pleasures of their body? How many men only experience a pelvic orgasm and have never experienced a full body orgasm alone or with a partner? How many men can give pleasure, but resist being given pleasure? Or, are so controlling that they never let go enough to show themselves for who they are?
If we breathe into our emotions, giving ourselves permission to sense and feel what is happening within us, we become more confident and clear in knowing what we want and need in our lives, and gain the skills to attain their fulfillment. This is all about giving ourselves permission to speak our own truth and being heard.

Moving

Moving within the world, easily and in a relaxed manner, adds to the confidence building process to being seen, heard, and enjoyed, primarily by ourselves, and secondarily by others who see in us a man who is authentically himself. Have you ever seen yourself walk, or have sex, or engage with other people? Do you walk rigidly or relaxed? Are you relaxed when you speak with others giving full attention to the other man? Do you find yourself holding your breath and remaining silent or hiding your true feelings by being bombastic or aggressive or silent? Do people too often have to ask you to speak up, or explain what you mean, or repeat what you just said? Are you comfortable in your own skin? At what level is your self-confidence as you live in your world?

Conclusion

The foundation for experiencing intimacy in our lives, particularly as men, begins with curiosity about ourselves and others, which leads to exploring self-awareness. When we then breathe, give voice, and move with confidence in our environment. These elements are the first ingredients toward giving and receiving intimacy. This, of course, is a non-linear process, a cycle of dipping in and pulling out, over and over and over. The cycle builds within us strength to be ourselves.

Now the adventure is to discover others who are just as able and willing to do the same for themselves, men who want to be authentic to the man they are, to love themselves so deeply that change is inevitable and welcomed every day of their lives, that self-awareness is not to fear, but something to relish and seek after. Intimacy is available to us all if we but are willing to step forward in our own bodies to tell our story clearly, with confidence, with self-love!

Thank you.