Tho’ single this night,
when fantasies sword play with realities,
when men couple and bond, connect and stick in unison
with beau and lover, partner and stranger, companion in body or only in mind,
it is with admiration I relish the men in my life.

Singularly unique and separate, cherished for who you are and want to be,
dynamic and sensual in each your own sway, furry and smooth, limber and puffing,
moaning and groaning, blushing and welting, yet cherished for who is you and will become.

It’s neither this nor that, but or yet, likewise or any string of whatifs and thats.
It’s what it is between us and may become,
an adventure of unfolding, mirror gazing, swapping, and enjoying what is.

This one thing known clearly, and bluntly stated, I am not single,
but coupled and trifolded, and foursquared to a two step with each,
to the beat of the drums we hear, to the salsa and so sassy, to the rumbha and randy,
to a different dance and sound, to a tune that you and I hear alone and between,
from the outside in, and inside out.

Who knows what matter may erupt as dry or humorous, as wet or sad, as yawning or howling,
it matters now to the two or three who companion on this path,
into darkness, into light, into dewiness, into desert sands,
the path we share is the path of now.
Who dares say I am single, let alone alone.

For it is alone who we are, mindful of any illusion of connectedness,
bonding or sweaty partnering,
mindful of the depth of reality between two and three and whatnot number it may be.

Whether on hunt or shyly seeking, entering cave or flat, on table or bed, in lips to lips, frottage, or a coital coupling, or hug belly to belly, in tears or laughter, it is each his own alone he brings to us.

Tho’ single this night, I be not alone or mismatched or in a higher realm,
but here and now with men2men friends.
Who dare question what might become as dawn returns and day resumes,
for no straight line is for us,
wiggle and flowing,
twisted and turning,
we stand alone and together this night of Valentine embrace.

Hypervigilance (being “on guard at all times”)
Hyperactivity
Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
Shame and lack of self-worth
Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
Panic attacks, anxiety, phobias
Avoidance behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc)
Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
Fear of dying or having a shortened life
Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)
Excessive shyness
Inability to make emotional commitments
Depression and feelings of impending doom

The above are some of the major symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Not everyone who experiences these symptoms has PTSD, but holding stress chronically within our bodies can produce such symptoms. Each symptom can be indicative of stress and not necessarily indiciative of PTSD. A combination of these symptoms, however, is a recipe for dis-ease in our lives.

Given the atmosphere in which many gay men have been raised, it is no surprise that we may demonstrate such symptoms. In our youth gay men often ‘hide’ for a number of years before “coming out”, fearful of being “found out”, fear of being harmed by ridicule, rejection, abandonment, and bullying. We often have learned to be “hypervigilant” about our surroundings, people’s responses and reactions to us, and what we say or do that may reveal our sexual orientation. Given the fact that many gay children are the objects of bullying by peers and authority figures, it is no wonder that we may become hypervigilant and subject to mood swings or find ourselves excessively shy or excessively active (“the perfect boy” in academics and/or sports), bordering on hyperactivity. Many of us have used avoidance behaviors as a way to protect ourselves, e.g. use of alcohol and other drugs, indiscriminant sex. How many of us have not experienced chronic depression, and considered the possiblity of suicide?

We may take everything that is said to us as potential fodder for humilitation and rejection. We may become anxious and fearful around establishing emotional bonds with other men because of a fear of rejection. We may become excessively shy, avoid making emotional commitments, become hyper sexual. We may also become numb to sex entirely, and not just numb to our bodily sensations in general. We can become “rigid’ in holding our emotions, our bodies, our beliefs, and our attitudes toward others. Lastly, we may be so “stressed out” by shame, armoring ourselves, and come to believe that “the best defense is a good offense.” Hence, sarcasm and ‘bitchiness’. We may fear commitment so much that we shy away from anyone who says “I love you” or become super efficient as “care takers” resulting in being abused and used by others, taken advantaged of, and subsquently “dumped”.

Or, we become “gym rats” and hyper “straight-acting”, armoring our bodies and minds as much as we can to deflect anyone getting emotionally close to us. We create the illusion of machismo. We become hyper about being seen as vulnerable in any way, shape, or form. Why? Because we have been taught that to be vulnerable is to open ourselves to harm and perhaps death. Some, if not many of us, change who we are so that we are found acceptable, either to other gay men or to the straight world. We may seek to prove our worth by climbing the corporate ladder, find the most desireable man as a boyfriend or partner, accrue money and prestige. We fundamentally experience ourselves as unloveable for simply who we are. We find ourselves having to give proof of our worthiness to exist.

Is it any surprise that many gay men face such symptoms, or that it is a struggle not to get stuck in them? Finding safety to explore these layered issues can be difficult, even within a therapist’s office, let alone in one’s family of origin, or even within the so-called “gay community” where intolerance for anyone different from the majority is common.

How can a man resolve these ‘symptoms’, these patterns that have become so ingrained in me? How do I address them effectively and shed them?

We can engage in a variety of methods by using such approaches as those suggested by Peter A. Levine (expert on trauma), Co-Counseling techniques and theory, Hypnotherapy and NeuroLinguistic Programming, Zen Meditation, and Tantra bodywork. A man can “discharge” or “release” emotional armoring effectively and thoroughly, and experience his natural self, using such methods or a combination of them. “Body sensations, rather than intense emotion, are the key to healing trauma.” (Peter A. Levin, Healing Trauma, pg 38) Providing a safe environment to allow for bodily discharge and release is essential, thus reclaiming my birthright to live fully in my body.

Trauma and stress are cellular based. That is to say that trauma and stress are held within our bodies. Safety is provided best in the presence of another person. The presence of a competent other allows us to feel safe so that we may better give ourselves permission to make this ‘inner journey’ into the unknown within our bodies, and become free of the trauma or stress, becoming more fully ‘self-aware’.

Safety is about setting boundaries. This is how Peter A. Levin states it so succinctly and clearly:

“Before trauma, you are not overwhelmed by your feelings. After trauma,
feelings can be completely overwhelming.

“When you have been traumatized, you’re often unable to feel your own
physical boundaries, because of disconnection from your body. This can
have an impact in other areas of life, such as setting boundaries in relationships,
because it’s impossible to set limits if you have no sense of your own boundaries.
Rebuilding connection is really the key…because trauma is about loss of
connection, first to the body and self, and second to others and the environment.

“The body is the container of all of our sensation and feelings. It is also the
boundary separating us from our environment and from others. This boundary
gets ruptured in trauma so that we often feel raw and unprotected. Skin is our
first line of defense. Then our muscles give us the sense of an ego-boundary
between self and other.”

It is that “rupture” that needs to be repaired and healed so that a person can feel safe and more intact, more whole, alive, and in charge of his life.

Following certain exercises that Levine has gleaned and created from zen and other sources, such as Eugene Gendlin’s body-centered “felt sense” approach, can enable a man to reclaim his life holistically. The techniques include breathwork, self-touch, grounding and centering, using sounds such as ‘vum’ and ‘ah’, dialogue around beliefs, the safe touch by one’s self and eventually by another, and gaining a greater depth of self-awareness. The discharge and release comes when the body shudders, gives its own voice to the release (use of our vocal cords), even uninterrupted yawning, laughter, or crying. Building up personal resiliency is the result, gaining self-awareness and self-worth, developing the skills to set healthy (pliable and assertive) physical and emotional boundaries.

It is this approach that I take in my coaching with men, particularly with men who identify having experienced trauma in their lives. It is the same approach I use with many men who identify an inability to connect deeply with themselves sexually. Our society in which we live is stress inducing, sex-negative, and highly judgmental about masculinity and maleness. Often the way men respond to such a layered bombardment is to armor ourselves against it. However, in armoring ourselves, we simply suppress all that is natural to us, and that certainly is not healthy. It produces dis-ease rather than ease in living authentically.

Often we are ready to pursue such a freeing life when we enter the middle stage of adulthood, around 40 or older. Till then we simply lack the expereince, the ego strength, the willingness to set our own course in life rather than follow the dictates of others or society. It is this time in life that is such a stupendous opportunity to live in self-love and freedom simply “to be me.”

There are a great variety of fetishes among men and many take the form of some bdsm activity. Underlying the activity is an attitude, both on the part of the giver and the receiver,but always on the part of both, for each is giving and receiving from the other in some definite way(s).

From my experience of reading through slews of profiles on various fetish, kink, and bdsm sites the majority of men focus upon sex, specifically orgasmic sex, and ultimately on ejaculation. Many profiles suggest something more than simply the desire for sex, and some indicate clearly that ejaculating is not the primary goal for “meeting up” but rather for the “power exchange”, e.g. degradation, humiliation, being forced to submit, mummification, pain. There are a few that hint at, not just submission, but surrender, namely physically submitting and emotionally surrendering to the Dominant.

Besides the obvious element of divesting myself of ‘control’ as a submissive, and submit to the control of the Dominant, there can also be the element, perhaps more importantly, of being vulnerable, and if taken further for some, of being emotionally vulnerable. When, I suspect, this element of emotional vulnerability is a major part of the “scene”, then this opens the gateway to self-knowledge, personal transformation, self-discovery. I’m not sure if there are many or few men who want to enter into such a “scene”, for it would take a men, a Dom and a sub, who had a strong enough ego to know what their limits are with a willigness and counrage to ‘guide’ and be ‘guided’ and engaged beyond them.

There is a great deal of bowing to the issue of “safety”, but most often in terms of using a “safe word” by the submissive. The “safe word” can be anything that is agreed upon by the Dom and sub. The issue of trust is dependent on respecting the use of “safe words”, namely honoring them when they are used as opposed to ignoring them. If I do not respect and honor your use of a “safe word”, then we will not be engaging in any “scene” again, and someone might be seriously injured, and not necessarily the sub being the one injured.

It seems to me that too many men find themselves in situations, or place themselves in situations, where there is no “intention” of learning about ourselves, but simply getting our rocks off, getting our adrenaline flowing and sparking, and feeling totally energetically depleted afterward. There is no spoken or conscious “intention” to learn about themselves in order to live a fuller and more enjoyable life.

It is similar, I think, to lusting after a man as opposed to loving a man, or using sex thinking that I will feel emotionally satisfied, not just sexually relieved.

The famous and infamous mythologist, Joseph Campbell, spoke directly to leading a life that integrates what is natural for a man and what lies within his spirit. Speaking about the myth of “The Holy Grail”, he focuses upon the need within us to lead authentic lives.

Finding the Grail is finding the depth of your own authenticity, “that which is attained and realized by people who have lived their own lives. The Grail represents the fulfillment of the highest spiritual potentialities of the human consciousness.”

“The Grail King, for example, was a lovely young man, but he had not earned the position of Grail King. He rode forth from his castle wih the war cry: ‘Amor!’ (Love!) Well, that’s proper for youth, but it doesn’t belong to the guardianship of the Grail. And as he is riding forth, a Muslim, a pagan knight, comes out of the woods. They both level their lances at each other, and they drive at each other. The lance of the Grail King kills the pagan, but the pagan’s lance castrates the Grail King.

“What that means is that the Christian separation of matter and spirit, of the dynamism of life and the realm of the spirit, of natural grace and supernatural grace, has really castrated nature. And the European mind, the European life, has been, as it were, emasculated by this separation. The true spirituality, which would have come from the union of matter and spirit, has been killed. And then what did the pagan represent? He was a person from the suburbs of Eden. He was regarded as a nature man, and on the head of his lance was written the word ‘Grail.’ That is to say, nature intends the Grail. Spiritual life is the bouquet, the perfume, the flowering and fulfillment of a human life, not a supernatural virtue imposed upon it. And so the impulses of nature are what give authenticity to life, not the rules coming from a supernatural authority – that’s the sense of the Grail.

“The Grail becomes symbolic of an authentic life that is lived in terms of its own volition, in terms of its own impulse system, that carries itself between the pairs of opposites of good and evil, light and dark.”

Campbell goes on to elaborate by simply stating that it is in compassion that we find the Grail, the life of authenticity, “suffering with”. (The Power of Myth)

In using bdsm as a pathway toward adulthood and authenticity, the Dom and sub gaze into each other’s eyes and enter into the realm of the Grail, the dynamic interplay between pain and pleasure, “suffering with”, into a realm of tapping into our authenticity as men. A “scene” can be designed to heal wounds, banish old ways of self-imposed regulations, generate a new form of courage (“balls”) that will create new belief patterns about ourselves and others and our world, and so on. Unlike simply fucking, pounding another man’s ass hole, and ‘getting off’, this kind of entrance into bdsm is a ‘sacred’ journey in pursuit of what is authentically me, not the trappings of any leather organization or societal standards.

How does this resonate with you? Have you ever entered into bdsm as through a ‘looking glass’ or ‘a warrior’s adventure’ into self-discovery? If so, what was and is it like for you in living as a sexually alive man?

Click on this word website.

In my personal life as well as in my experiences with men it strikes me that many of us, if not most of us men, go through a crisis of self-esteem. Whether it is sourced in our childhood of being brutalized by parents or other authority figures or childhood peers, we come face to face inevitably with ourselves and wonder why we feel unlovable.

We know we are capable of loving, although some of us seriously question our ability at times. We come to a moment in our lives of choicing between allowing ourselves the continued bewilderment of not being loved for who we are and giving ourselves permission to love ourselves … for who we were, are, and are becoming or wish to be. It is in that final choice of giving ourselves permission that makes all the difference in the world between living in authenticity and simply fitting someone else’s mold.

I can see the fear written on the face of others when I tell them how attractive they look, how engaging their personality is, how I’m at a quandry why they are single. There have even been men who told me that they fear such affirmations. They don’t trust them. There is even a glint of fear in my own eyes when I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself. If it fear or is it shame? Is it that I feel like a fraud for I know all my dark, dirty little secrets of not measuring up to the standards I set for myself or that others have set for me? Or is it that I have had too many experiences of people telling me of their undying love for me only to have them disappear, either subtly or with bombastic rejection?

But given that the response to these question is probably “yes” to all of them, I recognize that the sum of my parts is greater than the individual pieces, and at times there is true alignment with them all, whereas other times I’m split into gigsaw puzzle pieces, to be tweaked, sculpted into a new whole…over and over during the various stages of my checkered life.

What I have come to believe with a solidity beyond doubt is that I love myself. Just how deeply do I love myself? And can I sustain this love in nurturing ways that will bring forth a beautifully sensual man who oozes self-love that attracts the self-love of others? These are questions that perhaps have affirmative replies if and ony if I remind myself to nurture that self-love in ways that will bear fruit.

In my musing around the belly of male sexuality, it has occurred to me that many a man does not love himself in ways that will bring forth the core beauty of himself. For the fear we hold of recrimination and rejection is way too strong and intimidating to be so vulnerable. Whateve color and ethnicity into which we were born and raised, the issues remain the same with regard to self-esteem. Do I love myself well enough, consistently enough, to live an authentic life, no matter what the consequences, even with the prospect of living my life alone, namely unpartnered in the ‘traditional’ sense of being in a single loving relationship with another man. Is it sufficient for me to have loving friends, which means loyal friends?

This is no new question for either hetero or homo, or bisexual men! We seek monogamony as if it were instinctual and the key to being ‘whole’, ‘complete’, when in fact monogamony has rarely worked well, like celibacy, for any man. There are two issues here for me. One is that any relationship will not make me whole. I can only do that for myself with the support and affirming love of otheres. The second issue is that monogamy is not the ideal for most men, though we are trained from childhood into adulthood that it is the only ‘true’ way of demonstrating our love for another. This has been so inculcated within us that, when we do encounter an ‘open relationship’ or finding out that our partner has an an ‘affair’, we take it personally and make judgments that are groundless. We do not have to judge the quality of our love for another on whether or not they are monogamouse with us. We may want to set health standards in place, agreements about trust and communication, but we do not have to set sex as the standard to live by or live up to.

If two people are committed to one another, trust one another, ‘work’ on nurturing that mutual love as independent individuals, then having some or all of our sexual needs fulfilled outside of a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that I love my partner less or not enough. We equate sex with intimacy, and that is so much an illusion.

Happiness is not to be found in sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is simply one among a hundred ways of expressing different forms of love and commitment. If sexual pleasure is lacking in our relationship, it does not equate that there is no satisfying and sensual love there. Happiness is to be found in being vulnerable and finding acceptance in our vulnerability with another, whether we fuck each other or not.

The issue, I believe, is that when two men no longer have sex with each other, it too oftens seems to be the result of the lack of an emotional bond between the two. The relationship has deteriorated into routine rather than being nourished with sensual reciprocity, undivided attention when together. It has deteriorated into chit chat, facts, and exterior living. It is not from the inside out.

Living enmeshed with nother is no free life at all. We lose our identity in each other. Too many men seem to ‘nest’ and drift away from friends, outside activities that engage us, and we wind up in relationships that become ‘soulless’ and simply pro-forma, rather than ever changing and nourishing relationships. How many men in relationships for 10, 15, 25 years find themselves adrift if their partner leaves them or dies? They are lost because there has not been ‘diversity’ in their relationships. There have not been continual methods of self-nourishment as individuals to sustain them in crsis, such as separation or death. They have yet to learn how to stand on their own two feet in love with themselves. Each man allowing the other to blossom and supporting each other in that ever dynamic adventure of self-realization.

Each and everyone of us needs to be seen, heard, recognized, affirmed for our uniqueness as well as potential. It’s high time we set ourselves on a path that will affirm our common bonds, but will simultaneously affirm us in being true to ourselves, our passions, our hopes, and our ability to love ourselves!

These are my personal musings. What are yours?

Breathing

It is in our breathing that we, not only are able to live, but to live fully. From our teenage years men are trained to breathe shallowly. Push out your chest, shoulders back, stomach in…form those six pack abs and be a man. So, we breathe into our chests and live a rigid life. If we follow our the way of breathing naturally, we breathe into our stomachs, not holding the belly in, but letting it fill up with air so that our lungs receive a fullness of oxygen. If we breathe this way daily and routinely, as we had as an infant, we become ever more aware and able to interact with our environment. Breathing in this way we become vulnerable to our emotions. We become able to sense our emotions and allow them to rise up and be expressed with confidence.

Giving Voice

When we do sense our emotions, which we more often than not were not allow to express in our teenage years, then we have a choice to either express them or continue to hide them. If we decide to express them outloud we will hear ourselves more fully, be able to express ourselves with clarity and strength, be able to listen to ourselves and do the corrections or adaptations we need to have our needs met in alignment with who we are.

Too many men remain silent. We fear expressing our pleasures, our needs, our wants, our desires. We attempt to adopt the ‘John Wayne’ posture of manhood which is a very disillusioned version of what it means to be a man, let alone of what it means to be a human being. For example, how many men remain rigidly silent during orgasm? How many men have never heard themselves really enjoy the pleasures of their body? How many men only experience a pelvic orgasm and have never experienced a full body orgasm alone or with a partner? How many men can give pleasure, but resist being given pleasure? Or, are so controlling that they never let go enough to show themselves for who they are?
If we breathe into our emotions, giving ourselves permission to sense and feel what is happening within us, we become more confident and clear in knowing what we want and need in our lives, and gain the skills to attain their fulfillment. This is all about giving ourselves permission to speak our own truth and being heard.

Moving

Moving within the world, easily and in a relaxed manner, adds to the confidence building process to being seen, heard, and enjoyed, primarily by ourselves, and secondarily by others who see in us a man who is authentically himself. Have you ever seen yourself walk, or have sex, or engage with other people? Do you walk rigidly or relaxed? Are you relaxed when you speak with others giving full attention to the other man? Do you find yourself holding your breath and remaining silent or hiding your true feelings by being bombastic or aggressive or silent? Do people too often have to ask you to speak up, or explain what you mean, or repeat what you just said? Are you comfortable in your own skin? At what level is your self-confidence as you live in your world?

Conclusion

The foundation for experiencing intimacy in our lives, particularly as men, begins with curiosity about ourselves and others, which leads to exploring self-awareness. When we then breathe, give voice, and move with confidence in our environment. These elements are the first ingredients toward giving and receiving intimacy. This, of course, is a non-linear process, a cycle of dipping in and pulling out, over and over and over. The cycle builds within us strength to be ourselves.

Now the adventure is to discover others who are just as able and willing to do the same for themselves, men who want to be authentic to the man they are, to love themselves so deeply that change is inevitable and welcomed every day of their lives, that self-awareness is not to fear, but something to relish and seek after. Intimacy is available to us all if we but are willing to step forward in our own bodies to tell our story clearly, with confidence, with self-love!

Thank you.

The connection we need and yearn for in our lives is about ongoing intimacy that has roots in revealing who we are and being accepted for who we are. It is telling our story about our past, present, and future. The story of our past, only sufficiently assessed and reassessed as we grow in age and experience. The story of our present life…not just what we want people to see, but the story that includes our fears and foibles, what brings us emotional pain and emotional joy. The story of our future…about our hopes, fantasies, dreams, aspirations, desires, no matter how silly, unrealistic, irrational they may be, no matter how many fetishes and kinky or vanilla fantasies we hold and enjoy. The intimacy we see is about showing ourselves and being embraced…loved for who we are.

This kind of indepth intimacy will only occur if we find safety in our own self-worth, that we are indeed worthy of tenderness, acceptance, love. It cries out for us to live authentically as ourselves and feel secure enough in our self-acceptance to face rejection, abandonment, and all of our other fears about not being in ‘connection’ with another man or other men. Without a sense of safety, vulnerability cannot occur. Without a sense of self-love, being vulnerable will be a struggle instead of a way of life.

This struggle around vulnerability began way back when we attempted to please our parents, our school teachers, our classmates to feel accepted and acceptable. Too often we changed ourselves to fit into the molds that others wanted us to fit into. Gradually, over time and with experience, we suppressed

ourselves to please others and to feel, what we thought, was authentic acceptance. But, we also learned over time that we were hiding our true feelings, beliefs, and desires from the ‘view’ and scrutiny of others out of a felt need for safety. Many of us become so confused about this strugle, we find ourselves asking: Who am I…really? This question is absolutely natural and normal, and comes up most often during the mid time of our lives.

It is in the mid time of our lives, if we allow ourselves, give ourselves permission, that we raise this question which in turn raises other questions. Only, this time we have loads of experience to reflect upon, to disect, to assess. If we receive the support we need to continue the process, we will re-create our beliefs patterns, our behaviors, our image of ourselves to be more in alignment with who we are, with our passions, with our desires, with our selves. We will be able to say “goodbye” to the old, and “hello” to the new…well, actually we will be saying “hello” to what has been within us all of our lives but suppressed and buried beneath layers of emotional armor.

SELF AWARENESS and GRIEF

 This process begins with self-awareness, awareness of where we have been and what we want to change to satisfy our best interests. It involves grieving our losses, our past denials, our past ways of hiding and not being seen. Self-awareness and grief are gateways to living more authentically which opens the doors to feeling secure enough to be vulnerable enough for others to see, experience, hear us simply for who we are as men. We live from the inside out rather than the outside in. We live outside of the box of conformity.

SELF TENDERNESS

This self-awareness is creates an opportunity for deeper self-acceptance, self-love. Do we believe that we are lovable and deserve to be loved! Simply because we are who we are? When this is the foundation of our relationships, we reclaim in our lives that depth of intimacy we seek from and with others because we are reclaiming intimacy with ourselves. This is the foundational ingredient of our recipe to live authentic intimacy with other men.

From grounding ourselves in self-love, knowing that we are not only worthy to love but worthy enough to be loved, we then add 3 other key ingredients that enable us to live an embodied life, a life that comes from within and that will give us the ability to be ourselves authentically. These three elements are breathing, giving voice, and movement.